How I wish I could go back.

Visions of these memories are suddenly appearing before me: what it was like to have a H2 Math lecture and its tutorial, a H2 China Studies lecture and its tutorial, a H2 Lit tutorial, a H2 Knowledge and Inquiry tutorial, H2 Physics lecture and tutorial with the class and Mr Sum and our class. Guitar auditions and practice, seating at the bleachers under the sun facing the open field and the other side of my Tampines, surrounded my air that smells like home, playing hockey with Hamaizah or was that Syahidah?, me, Daryl and Christina talking about our dreams, talking talking talking about Daryl's dreams, Daryl playing a song on the guitar for us, singing, talking and laughing till the sun set. Exchanging uniforms with Syahidah. Bringing Jasmine and Jocelyn home to meet my baby bro. Seeing Jasmine go all weak in the knees when she sees a certain Indon classmate. Hanging out at the cafe after guitar lessons with Atiqah and singing with guitar, making videos while singing, having lovely food from the cafe. Having dinner with the J2s at Macs. Being in the same school as two cousins simultaneously. Eating at the yummy canteen, spoilt for choice on what to eat everyday. Our class eating together every time! We had our own corner that we ALWAYS sat at. Having PE in school with that PE teacher. Running so many rounds around and trying to cheat with the girls in my class. The convenience of going home, and coming back to school for Traditional Malay Music Combo.

That felt like my renaissance to me. Sports, arts, science, math, music, culture. I was learning everything. And I loved it. I loved my class, I even put so much effort for Physics homework! And Math! hahaha. I loved the friends that I made in TPJC. But I knew things would change after the PAE times. So it didn't matter if I went to another school or not, everyone, everything would be different.

I loved going to class. It was not a bore, or a chore.

The guitar room was lovely. So special. I love the guitar lessons, I loved looking forward to certain faces during guitar lessons. Especially Daryl's and my cousin's. It just felt so homely and comforting.Even the conductor was so endearing! Learning how to play 'Guardian Angel' with the whole class. The whole class singing some songs and me and some other girls SINGING in front of the whole class. OMG. Was that a funner side of me or what? hahaa...

Seniors being nice to me. Wee Shiun let me, Jasmine and Jocelyn to the basement shooting range when actually that was not really allowed (found that out much later). And every free time that he had which coincided with ours, he would hang out with us. I miss that so much. The non-judgemental, all-assuming love from other people. No obvious thoughts in their minds : "oh i'm from this and this cca and this and this level so I can't be friends with that group of people. Social disaster. Major social disaster".

Hanging out at the cafe after PE...being all hot and red but still dishing down that puff nevertheless. Nyahahas.

Valentines' Day. Me and Christina shared presents to give our friends. I made a special video for Daryl to thank him for being a wonderful friend to me given the short time we knew each other. Can't believe I stayed up that late. And I gave it to him via Bluetooth. Damn cool or what? HAHA. Come to think of it... the first moment you come to know people who are special are very special in it's own way. They come in more obvious ways than you think. You think they come all quietly but no. Months later, or even years, you realise that it was actually special. And how Daryl sang that song for his crush is permanently etched in my mind. Haha...I remember taking the Video for that... I think it is in my previous blog. The four of us screaming for him. HHAHA.. I remember Visa singing also.

One of the most special days for me was also the last day of PAE. Felt so tragic and drama now come to think of it. Daryl gave me a letter and the Guitar pin that I wanted so badly but couldnt have cos I was not an official member of the CCA, I was only one during the PAE period. I came to school earlier because he asked me to the night before. So I met him and he left straightaway after giving it to me. I went to the canteen, found Husna, read the letter and cried like crazy. HAHHA. Oh wow. Oh wow. Seriously? I did that? So emberezzingg. Husna was comforting me asking, "Why? Why? Don't cry la Safiah! I know it's the last day!" The day before, Christina made a bet with me, whoever cried first will have to erm... I forgot what it was. I remember I bought my violin that day. So we could play.

That last day, we skipped all lessons after CE where Mr Sum and the class just talked a lot and Daryl crashed our class. We skipped the academic lesons and just hung out on the stage of the hall where the piano was. Me, Jasmine, Jocelyn, Daryl, Christina. HAHA. I can't believe we did that. The hall's location is so perfect because it was at the basement and no teachers passed by. Actually there were, but they were only the PE teachers. But they were so friendly, they even wanted to hear us play music. HAHA. Talked to us about it some more. TPJC is so lax like that I love it. I actually only read half of the letter the first time cos the tears made everything blurry and I couldn't read it. So I read the whole thing again backstage and then, Christina saw me and I lost the bet. I must have cried really badly cos the girls were comforting me desperately. And Daryl was playing emo Jay Chou songs on the piano. Later on, when he thought no one could see us, he actually came to me and comforted me in his own way..ayyah. It was like I was leaving the country and not the school for goodness sakes. HAHA.

When I was more stable, I SMSed Wee Shiun to come to hall cos I brought the violin and he said he wanted to learn how to play. Actually brought the violin from home that day because of that. I played the canon duet with Jasmine! :D haha... and asked Naj, my cousin, to come to the hall too.

MJ memories? Were more academic. And centred mainly on class, teachers and the same set of friends, and SYF. One lovely memory is when they apparently "stole" my wallet and then Shafiq represented our clique to make a dedication on the radio: "Sorry seems to be the hardest word" by Blue. HAHAHAH... that was so JJANG!

Why is it different? Why is it so different that the factors of time, place and people makes the environment different? And the worse thing is... you can never get it back. Unless you go to Heaven and ask for it.

I hope Uni life later on will be more like TPJC. TPJC really felt like a college experience while MJ felt like how sec sch felt like. If you asked me at which stage of education did I enjoyed the most? I would definetely say it was the PAE times at TPJC. Tying with my sec school girl moments. Love. Actually, at Meridian JC, it didn't even matter if there were boys there. Wahha. Makes minimal difference.

Labels: memories, TPJC

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK.
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself.
Because you are important. No one has the right to break your heart or make you cry.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.


i will never betray myself, i'll never settle for less.

~Sadelena

i remembered asking him, if i pray 5 times a day and if i'm still enjoying life in an unholy kinda way, will my efforts be wasted?

not praying is already one sin of its own.

Prayer is the ever-flowing spring which renews the believers' energy and gives them new strength. They are then able to persevere for as long as it takes to achieve their goals.
And prayer makes them realise that at the end of the day, god is above-all, mightier than them or anyone else for that matter.

~Sadelena

O gosh, I miss Sadelena.
HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BABE!!!

I think I might survive this whole thing after all and that it's not just a delusion in my head that I'm not being fully myself, that only part of me is drifting from one place to another most parts of the day. I might survive all this. Maybe where I am, what I've been through has been a good thing because at least it ensures that I'm not having too much fun. It pinches me, makes sure that my goals are focused. I really think that secretly, everything falls into order and everything falls into place just as long as we're self-aware. It's like King Lear. HOHO. So I'm not worried.

Dear Fadilah sayang,
I am NOT TOO CAUGHT UP with my JC life okay! I love you girls all so much. Seriously, love is a decision I think. HOHOs. I keep wishing, so many times in my life that I had more time, more time. Who cares if Singapore is a tiny island? What's the point if I can't meet you so often? I think things would have been so very different if we met up often though. I think my priorities would have shifted. But still, in that space and time where I have often thought about the girlfriends who I long to spend time with, my love for you all has never wavered. Tee hees.

I met up with her just now and spent only about one hour with her and I couldn't meet the other netballers on time cos they went in to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic. I just couldn't bring myself to watch a movie on a Sunday due to time and financial constraints. Already blew the budget with Guitar matters (Nibori guitarists, Gown, Shoes, Concert). The good thing is that the gown is coming on Tuesday and I'm so EXCITED!!!! GAHH hahaha. Hope it turns out well and that it'll look flattering on us. HOHOS.







I can't wait for after SYFs really. Even when all the school days end and all the fun in school does too, Love, remains the same.

Labels: memories