I'm scared I'll regret this. I really am. Money is so dear but I will just go with that feeling of hope, cling on to it and live every day knowing that there is a reason as to why I felt that feeling then.
8:54 PM Monday, May 31, 2010
0 Anonymous Comments
In which I FINALLY clicked ACCEPT
5:21 PM
I was thinking:
What do I want to make documentaries for? What do I want to make films for? Do I really want to make films? Which one would I want more? I just want to be able to see my thoughts in something tangible. That's why I wanted sewing, that's why I wanted filming. But why? Is it to confirm that I have thoughts? That I have a brain? That I can think?
What do I want to do in life? Something meaningful that would improve people's lives for the better in the long run.
What do I want to make documentaries for? What do I want to make films for? Do I really want to make films? Which one would I want more? I just want to be able to see my thoughts in something tangible. That's why I wanted sewing, that's why I wanted filming. But why? Is it to confirm that I have thoughts? That I have a brain? That I can think?
What do I want to do in life? Something meaningful that would improve people's lives for the better in the long run.
What do I want to achieve in this world?
_____
And, I do not know the answers. And therefore I do not want to specialize. You know what the opportunity cost of this is? $24,000. And maybe more. Also, a shorter distance. Also, the ability to see my baby brother grow up. That, money cannot buy. I don't care how many people wanted this opportunity and didn't get it. This opportunity, dangling on a golden thread even, but somehow it doesn't feel like me to grab it, it just does not feel like myself. I don't want this. I want a pulsating thriving learning environment that so far in the history of my life, only FOUR people gave to me- Mr Yeo, Ms Rehana, Ms Lim and Sean. This is the environment that I love. This is it. And later, I'll make something out of this. I want discussion of the theories of the world. Not really just communications or media. Something deeper. Do I sound like a philo student? Hah. What to do? I just love knowledge. I love knowledge but was too scared to take KI. And now I'm too scared to take Comms Studies. Not just cos after reading the course structure, I feel that it does not really provide me with much, but my expiry date of staying in hall (with my inertia to take part in hall activities ) will probably last one year. I know that your future is what you make of yourself, I'd probably last more than that if I wanted to but I am really reluctant to travel from one end of Singapore, to the other.
And, I do not know the answers. And therefore I do not want to specialize. You know what the opportunity cost of this is? $24,000. And maybe more. Also, a shorter distance. Also, the ability to see my baby brother grow up. That, money cannot buy. I don't care how many people wanted this opportunity and didn't get it. This opportunity, dangling on a golden thread even, but somehow it doesn't feel like me to grab it, it just does not feel like myself. I don't want this. I want a pulsating thriving learning environment that so far in the history of my life, only FOUR people gave to me- Mr Yeo, Ms Rehana, Ms Lim and Sean. This is the environment that I love. This is it. And later, I'll make something out of this. I want discussion of the theories of the world. Not really just communications or media. Something deeper. Do I sound like a philo student? Hah. What to do? I just love knowledge. I love knowledge but was too scared to take KI. And now I'm too scared to take Comms Studies. Not just cos after reading the course structure, I feel that it does not really provide me with much, but my expiry date of staying in hall (with my inertia to take part in hall activities ) will probably last one year. I know that your future is what you make of yourself, I'd probably last more than that if I wanted to but I am really reluctant to travel from one end of Singapore, to the other.
And since I have always been getting what I get due to my hard work. I am sure I will get this too. I will position myself to amongst those who will get the opportunity to stay in Unitown.
1:52 AM Thursday, May 27, 2010
Haiz... I'm scared of the reality of the future....
When the truth hurts and I can't do anything about it....again....
When the truth hurts and I can't do anything about it....again....
1:13 AM
Oh the unfairness of things.
Financial freedom. But no freedom to choose.
Oh Oh OH!!!!!
Oh it never ends. The need to put in effort will never cease.
12:13 AM
I'm scared.
I'm scared....
I'm scared to make this decision.
I'm scared to make this decision that will affect my future to a large extent.
I'm scared....
But as Man Hao has said, "there is no wrong decisions, just live the best that you can live after making that decision"
Talking to Man Hao is very nice. I don't feel like I have to argue or keep bantering. I don't feel exhausted.
And so I have decided.
9:11 PM Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I was praying fervently for this feeling of sureness.... a finality... so that a I can make a decision with no grudges, no regrets. Because God know best what would bring us success and happiness, I have to rely on him. Even though the people around me were reflecting what I was thinking, my heart was still troubled. So I had to ask many times for Him to give me a sign. I did extra prayers to ask for a clear sign between two choices, a choice which is so hard to make. I yearned so much to look into the future so that I could see which University I would be in but how can an incapable and frail human like me do that? I need the answer quick because the acceptance process is in itself, long and tedious. I have been lazy to ask for help but once I did oh All Praises be to Allah cos it was kind of quick.
And suddenly I had this flash of me studying and I knew which University it would be for me. Not that I wouldn't have to study in the other University but the stronger impact was on the emotion. And suddenly I felt calm and at peace. No more anxiety no more stress. I didn't feel the need to do copious amount of extra research or reading the schools magazines or emailing strangers anymore.
As one stranger used to say to me: "Don't think too much" . So I must not think too much anymore of the other possibility, the other track, about anything else pouring down the drain. I just need to use that to fuel my still unreached goal.
Which university is it?
I'll tell you in person. :D
Labels: tough decision
Ommm...
9:06 PM Monday, May 17, 2010
I'm like Ga In.
I don't like cheesy stuff.
And I don't like the state of stupidity, foolishness and helplessness one gets when one is doggone crazy in love. Really makes me want to puke.
Honestly...
I always wonder how anyone can let themselves be so and, perhaps sometimes, almost completely taken over psychologically by another person. You are always you. You have a mind of your own. You must try to gather strength and know what is the best for you.
And ...
can someone toss me a coin so I can decide between NUS and NTU?
Which one do I really want? Which Which Which???
The Problem With Singaporeans
11:51 PM Thursday, May 13, 2010
I was chatting with an old friend. She's a headhunter specialising in lawyers. 10 years ago, which was probably around the time I first got to know her, her work was mostly about recruiting Singaporean lawyers for local law firms and corporations.
That work has changed with the times. Like many other things in Singapore, her work has become much more globalised. Yes, she continues to be based in Singapore. Yes, most of her clients are still banks, companies and firms located in Singapore. But her candidates have changed.
The Singaporean lawyers are still around, of course. But as a proportion of her candidate pool, they have dwindled. As a headhunter, she is now also placing lawyers from Australia, the UK and India. In fact, she spoke about having to fly to India, to directly interview and recruit fresh law graduates from a top Indian university.
She made one interesting observation. She says that Singaporeans consistently lose out to the Australians, the Brits and the Indians in one important respect. Singaporeans are not as articulate. They don't speak so well. They are more reserved.
So at job interviews, Singaporeans consistently appear to be less capable than they really are. Consequently, the Aussies, the Brits and the Indians often get the job instead. ("In particular, the Indian lawyers," my friend remarked, "are excellent talkers").
My headhunter friend is a little saddened by this. She knows that many of these Singaporean candidates are at least as capable and competent as the foreigners. It's just that culturally, the typical Singaporean candidate does not feel comfortable aggressively tooting his own horn and singing his own praises at a job interview. This misplaced Asian sense of modesty/humility ends up killing his own chances.
Sad to say, you can extrapolate this into a wider context, and see quite clearly how Singaporeans have screwed themselves. The consistent failure of Singaporeans to speak up boldly for themselves has led to adverse consequences, politically, socially and economically.
From Here.
Haiz... I think I am a typical Singaporean too. At the interview just now, I felt like I could have said more because the Profs did not really interrupt me much. They were really nice. Maybe repeated a few things... didn't really give examples to my qualities...
AYZ AYZ AYZ...
That work has changed with the times. Like many other things in Singapore, her work has become much more globalised. Yes, she continues to be based in Singapore. Yes, most of her clients are still banks, companies and firms located in Singapore. But her candidates have changed.
The Singaporean lawyers are still around, of course. But as a proportion of her candidate pool, they have dwindled. As a headhunter, she is now also placing lawyers from Australia, the UK and India. In fact, she spoke about having to fly to India, to directly interview and recruit fresh law graduates from a top Indian university.
She made one interesting observation. She says that Singaporeans consistently lose out to the Australians, the Brits and the Indians in one important respect. Singaporeans are not as articulate. They don't speak so well. They are more reserved.
So at job interviews, Singaporeans consistently appear to be less capable than they really are. Consequently, the Aussies, the Brits and the Indians often get the job instead. ("In particular, the Indian lawyers," my friend remarked, "are excellent talkers").
My headhunter friend is a little saddened by this. She knows that many of these Singaporean candidates are at least as capable and competent as the foreigners. It's just that culturally, the typical Singaporean candidate does not feel comfortable aggressively tooting his own horn and singing his own praises at a job interview. This misplaced Asian sense of modesty/humility ends up killing his own chances.
Sad to say, you can extrapolate this into a wider context, and see quite clearly how Singaporeans have screwed themselves. The consistent failure of Singaporeans to speak up boldly for themselves has led to adverse consequences, politically, socially and economically.
From Here.
Haiz... I think I am a typical Singaporean too. At the interview just now, I felt like I could have said more because the Profs did not really interrupt me much. They were really nice. Maybe repeated a few things... didn't really give examples to my qualities...
AYZ AYZ AYZ...
But it's ok.
I'm still going to NUS.
Painful Wake Up Call
10:10 PM
I feel like a slump. It's May already. I've been abandoning taking care of my face and my teeth. N now I have to pay the price for overlooking my oral care. It's simple right. Brush, floss and use Listerine twice a day. Sounds so easy. And for facial: cleanse, tone and moisturise. That's the basic. And then there's the pimple gel, the masks that you have to put on, the sunblock. Yet most of us always stop and step 1.
And the bacteria grows so silently. The decay starts. Then, you have to fork out $1000+ for a root canal because the hole has become so big. All cos your teeth chipped a bit on a piece of bone. Yes the hole grew larger even though I filled it in. ((are you seriously doing your job Dentists!!!!))
And after reading 'Mind Your Body' on Straits Times today, I read how the doctor kept himself healthy by waking up at 4am to cycle or jog everyday for 2 hours and went swimming thrice a week. And the whole family goes to sleep by 9.30pm. Not a common lifestyle in this current day and age.
Now how am I going to get that kind of lifestyle? That's really an aspiration huh.
I feel so tired everyday and I'm not even working a 9-5 job. I work less than that and with this current pay I get, I feel it's not enough if I continue getting this sum in the future. It's seriously too little if I have to settle bills, transport and food on my own. I'm only beginning to be initiated to the stresses of the common Singaporean. If I had money I would buy land, or invest. So I have to choose practicality over passion. (( do those stay at home and make money schemes really work???))
I know there are worser off people than me so I am really thankful.
Sidenote: am never going to buy myself a car because it guzzles up money. Am going to rely on public transport or rent cars only.
So I have to put in effort to improve the quality of my life. And eat more fruits, vegetables and the many other natural health supplements my mother has bought for us to keep us healthy ( manuka honey, some salt, habbatus sauda ) At least, over the years, my complexion has improved.
Dear God, Let me be thankful and give me the strength. You have given me a perfectly functioning body so I have to take care of it.
From iPhone
And the bacteria grows so silently. The decay starts. Then, you have to fork out $1000+ for a root canal because the hole has become so big. All cos your teeth chipped a bit on a piece of bone. Yes the hole grew larger even though I filled it in. ((are you seriously doing your job Dentists!!!!))
And after reading 'Mind Your Body' on Straits Times today, I read how the doctor kept himself healthy by waking up at 4am to cycle or jog everyday for 2 hours and went swimming thrice a week. And the whole family goes to sleep by 9.30pm. Not a common lifestyle in this current day and age.
Now how am I going to get that kind of lifestyle? That's really an aspiration huh.
I feel so tired everyday and I'm not even working a 9-5 job. I work less than that and with this current pay I get, I feel it's not enough if I continue getting this sum in the future. It's seriously too little if I have to settle bills, transport and food on my own. I'm only beginning to be initiated to the stresses of the common Singaporean. If I had money I would buy land, or invest. So I have to choose practicality over passion. (( do those stay at home and make money schemes really work???))
I know there are worser off people than me so I am really thankful.
Sidenote: am never going to buy myself a car because it guzzles up money. Am going to rely on public transport or rent cars only.
So I have to put in effort to improve the quality of my life. And eat more fruits, vegetables and the many other natural health supplements my mother has bought for us to keep us healthy ( manuka honey, some salt, habbatus sauda ) At least, over the years, my complexion has improved.
Dear God, Let me be thankful and give me the strength. You have given me a perfectly functioning body so I have to take care of it.
From iPhone
Mencari Siang (Looking For Daylight) by Chu E Liang
10:45 PM Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Mentari, sejak kau menyingsing antara awan
___
Knowing and understanding both Malay and English, this poem is definitely more beautiful and meaningful in the original language. As such, I support PM LHL's move to not reduce the weightage of Mother Tongue for PSLE. Our own mother tongue language or second language is as important as English. Just because we are losing touch with our roots does not make it a lesser language.
berjuta kelpak cahaya telah kau taburkan
pagi petang senja
di dalamnya ada rahsia
menjelma di dalam terang
aku sedang melihat-lihat di tanganku
kalau ada kelopakmu. Sejambak terang
kerana sukmamu selamanya sedang berburu
makna terang selamanya keliru menilai
warna mentari di dalam terang siang
di puncak bukit luas empangan
saujana bendang galauan kebun duka
berbeda-beda warna tak serupa kelopak
berlainan bunga mekar dan kucup
lintas melintas
nanti, kalau dukaku tak sempat kutumpahkan
berapa jarak harusky berjalan di dalam malam itu
mencari siang.
____
Sun, since your rising between the clouds,
you have dispersed millions of petals of light
in the morning, afternoon, dusk
in them there is a secret
emerging in the bright light
I study the palm of my hand
to see if your petal is there. A bouquet of light
because my soul is hunting
the meaning of light, always confused, weighing
the colour of the sun in daylight
On top of the wide hill, a dam,
in the distance rice fields a confused orchard of grief
different colours distinct from the petals
various flowers blossom and shrink
crossing each other
Later if I fail to express my grief
how far do I have to walk through the night
looking for daylight.
___
Translations ( Malay to English) done by Institute of Translation Negara Malaysia Berhad & National Arts Council.
Knowing and understanding both Malay and English, this poem is definitely more beautiful and meaningful in the original language. As such, I support PM LHL's move to not reduce the weightage of Mother Tongue for PSLE. Our own mother tongue language or second language is as important as English. Just because we are losing touch with our roots does not make it a lesser language.
5:57 PM
Haiz... I din't get an interview from NUS for a scholarship. Freaking bugs me due to reasons associated with elitism.
Apologies.
NTU Interview tomorrow.
Let me impress them please...
Let me impress them please...
In which I find a fork in the road.
12:53 PM Sunday, May 9, 2010
Am getting increasingly worried about which course I will choose that I've been dreaming about them... and the dreams are getting really real. I wake up not really sure if that dream did happen in reality....
Yikes.
Haiz.
How can anyone be sure of what they want to be doing right now??? HOW!?
___
At 2.53pm,
I think I want to take up the acceptance at NUS FASS. After seeing these two websites:
and reading a lot of things on the forums which gives me the impression that NUS FASS is more dynamic even though more theory based, which may not appeal to some. I think, for now, I just want to learn, I believe, yes I do.
But I have that scholarship interview at NTU next week so I guess... I'll just... see how it goes then.
____
At 8.00pm.
I believe I am going to NUS. Yerps. Will ask God many more times after this.
___
At 8.43 pm,
I just sent an email to 4 complete strangers, final-year students of NTU Communication Studies, asking them, essentially, if they would recommend their programme to others. Really hope they would reply!!!
___
At 9.42pm
ONE OF THEM REPLIED! So nice! :D :D
NUS-NTU score:
1-0
Ok I know I'm a bit obsessive and do go to kind of extreme lengths but this is the future we're talking about. More importantly, MY future.
___
At 2.40am,
ANOTHER REPLIED. They are really so very nice people. :) :) :)
Current score:
NUS-NTU:
2-0
Labels: worries
Solat by Aaron Maniam
1:44 AM Friday, May 7, 2010
( In Malay )
Saat berdiri lurus, rukukMenyentuh sepasang lutut, kemudian menamatkan
Setiap raka'at dengan penuh takzim di bumi,
Di situ kutemui kekhusyukan-
Di sekitar paksi anggota
Setiap detik hari
Menemukan keseimbangan;
Keheningan melewati dimensi
Dalam dunia kusut, penuh liku.
Lima kali sehari, ada kuasa
Tertentu dan malampaui
Jisim, jarak dan jirim
Mengasingkan titik tempat segala tuas kehidupan berhimpun:
Graviti tertangguh, kestabilan sempurna ditempa
Pada tangan, kaki dan fikiran manusia.
( In English, I believe this is the original )
In standing straight, bending
Down to touch my knees, then ending
Each raka'at in homage on the ground,
I find that spot beyond all sight or sound-
Around the body's pivot
The moments of each day
Reach equilibrium and balance;
Stillness beyond dimension
In a fretful, twisting world.
Five times daily, some force
That is and transcends
Mass, distance, matter
Isolates that point where all life's fulcrums meet:
Gravity suspends, perfect stability wrought
In human hands, mind and feet.
- From the Window of this Epoch,
An Anthology of Malaysian and Singaporean Poems
This poem really touches me because the speaker has really penned down and crafted words that most are unable to conceive, yet the language is quite simple (the English one that is), for the person who did the Malay interpretation, it's really quite beautiful too. I'm not that sure which is the original, am just guessing, because this poem came from a collection of poems called "Morning at Memory's Border". I really love the physics jargon too and reading this makes me feel peaceful and comforted, just like how one should feel during and after Solat, or prayer.
Credits: Picture.
Down to touch my knees, then ending
Each raka'at in homage on the ground,
I find that spot beyond all sight or sound-
Around the body's pivot
The moments of each day
Reach equilibrium and balance;
Stillness beyond dimension
In a fretful, twisting world.
Five times daily, some force
That is and transcends
Mass, distance, matter
Isolates that point where all life's fulcrums meet:
Gravity suspends, perfect stability wrought
In human hands, mind and feet.
- From the Window of this Epoch,
An Anthology of Malaysian and Singaporean Poems
This poem really touches me because the speaker has really penned down and crafted words that most are unable to conceive, yet the language is quite simple (the English one that is), for the person who did the Malay interpretation, it's really quite beautiful too. I'm not that sure which is the original, am just guessing, because this poem came from a collection of poems called "Morning at Memory's Border". I really love the physics jargon too and reading this makes me feel peaceful and comforted, just like how one should feel during and after Solat, or prayer.
Credits: Picture.
