21. To find my place

12:02 PM Tuesday, May 31, 2011

ugh. I hate it when I screw up my body clock. And when work throws off my momentum. And when I feel absolutely horrid with myself for not having a plan. :/

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11:37 PM Sunday, May 29, 2011

Today I met Ivan again. He had on a heavy green army backpack and a tote. He was holding a book "The Human Nature in Islam". I felt embarrassed again.

I called him. "Ivan!" and he turned.

--Eh...Sa... Safiah? I didn't recognise you.

--Yeah I was from a birthday party.... dinner.

I didn't quite understand why I added 'dinner'.

--Are you going on reservice?

--No I was from a sleepover and I just couldn't pack light.

--Haha oh I see... what bus are you taking?

--27 but I need to top up first.

--Okay.

He goes to the machine to top up his card. I wait for my bus at the berth where all the buses that go to my stop comes.

The nature of human in Islam. Yeah. I would like to know about that too. I wonder how many book he has read so far and how fervent his relationship is with God now, and how clean his soul is and free from sins. At least less sins than mine. I wonder how much he has learnt about Islam. Does he know more than me? How much do I know about Islam?

The beeping of the ez-link reader. Bus 28 comes in to pick up it's passengers.

--Allright, I'll go now yah.

--Ok, I'm waiting for 38. I live near Tampines JC.

--Ok. You take care. Assalammualaikum.

--Waalaikumsalam. You take care too.

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Post Created May 28, 2011 10:56:47 PM

10:57 PM Saturday, May 28, 2011

One of my pet peeves is when you ask me out and expecting the day to be fun, without putting in any thought about what how your time spent with me will be like. Leaving me with all the work. You are not helping me be excited for the day.

Sure it's fine that two people meet up just for the sake of meeting. That is if those two people are madly and blindly in love. Or there has been a set motive for a conversation that these two have planned beforehand.

But we are neither and not even close.

It leaves me with the bitter aftertaste of a time tt was well spent only because of a common activity that was organised, planned, and executed by an external body.

It should be encouraged for people to want to do lawful and healthy activities. It should be encouraged for people to voice out tt they want to see places. If you keep saying 'i prefer anything' or 'I don't mind anything' it makes for a boring person. And it makes me feel guilty for wanting. And I stopped being the typical person who kept saying "anything you want" or " anywhere you go".

Or maybe I am just salivating for a good afternoon nap.

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3:05 AM Monday, May 23, 2011

It irritates me to the core that:

1. Someone expresses the wish to see me but doesn't take the necessary action to do so. All talk and no action... every single time is just... tiring and... not in the spirit of friendship

2. I have to initiate a going out. It really... tires me.

So I'm going to take a rest from asking people out for a while. And if you ask me out I'll consider carefully because time is more expensive than money.

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Little notes to self.

2:49 PM Sunday, May 22, 2011

Khairunnisa would like to know about Prophet Muhammad s.a.w.'s life.

Most of them want a guide to becoming a complete woman.

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3:35 AM Thursday, May 19, 2011

no rectangles of light.

all the lights in households are switched off,

it is dark all around.

i look out my window

count to twenty

and see one car drive around the corner

for a moment there is noise.

besides the whirring of my fan.

and the tapping of the keyboards

as i type this

unable to fall asleep.

heavy and full

i wish it were my eyelids that were drooping

So that I might sleep.

but they are sore

and I have too many grand ideas popping up.

I must write them down.

For fear they would slip away.

So suddenly and quickly like a fish

I just caught with my bare hands.

I have too many ideas.

And too many thoughts that intrude my thoughts without permission.

When all I really want to do is fall asleep.

But I cannot sleep

and that is why I write.

The blaring alarm of a car goes off and disturbs the frequencies of sound.

I wonder what set it off.

I wonder if the owner knows how his car alarm sound like.

What if they all sound the same?

I want to fall asleep.

But my body clock is so screwed.

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9:42 PM Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Is it possible?

I do not know how.

But what I do know.

Is that it definitely is not the time yet.

And I need to improve myself in totality.

I need to go to the cafe.

i am totally sinking in pms and spamming my cheerful balm on myself.

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Needs Chocolate

12:08 AM Monday, May 16, 2011

i am cranky like how?

like waiting for tomorrow that comes so slowly.

like the craving for chocolate and finding none in the house.

and it's too late to go out to buy them.

like when I see ants happening to pass by.

but because I took a guide's oath at the age of thirteen,

I am always a guide, even if I was only a guide for two months.

And I swore not to hurt a living soul. Even if they took the form

of a six legged insect.

I think.

like forgetting to take a deep breath.

like wanting to slap back with words

the voices that did not think

the voices that did not feel

the voices that failed to see.

I am cranky why?

because of inefficiency.

because of impudence

and laziness

and because of indifference

like Elie Wiesel said.

the opposite of love is not hate.

it is indifference.

because of qualities I do not

want to

associate with

me.

I am being indifferent now to some

I do not care for some.

It is this stage of indifference.

Just as Elie Wiesel said.

0 Anonymous Comments

8:33 PM Thursday, May 12, 2011

i am so lazy to do nefmq slides i tell you. why in the world did i sign up for this. the randomest thing i have ever done in my life.

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a place where i blabber to myself

8:26 PM

grey area.

grey matter.

going to the holy area.

in mid year.

want to know

what the future holds.

want to know so bad.

difficulty

struggle

will it be better

when tertiary ends.

i better work hard

i better work harder.

so that my family

gets better.

that's the priority.

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10:35 PM Monday, May 9, 2011

SHUUUUCKS I HVNT NOMINATE MY MEMBERS YET LEI.

How what if they aren't nominated at allllll!!!! No no noooo.

& i have Chicken Pox

& Sara Bareilles on the 11th.

AWWWWWWW

0 Anonymous Comments

1:32 AM Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Alhamdulillah. A for 40% of Se2201. Alhamdulillah!

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i don't adore cats

2:48 AM Tuesday, May 3, 2011

updating wardrobe costs $200 at least. I'm going to fix my old clothes, tear some material away and make them into new ones...

i will clean my room after tomorrow.

i will do my best for exams.

i will not really care about what i get for essay cos it's been done.

i will enjoy my doub choc frappe with Aminah after cabbing home with her hall stuff.

I will make the meeting tmr short and sweet.

I will be happy that semester is over once i get my PAper 3 results back. ARGH SHUX one more for the faint heart.

Nevermind. Whatever it is, I can still do it :D I still deserve a place there and I belong there. So it's fine. I can still do this... just mb I'll bring it up by Year 3.

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1:57 AM

haiz.. i just had to get it when it was on a pre-order at a website where everyone goes. But besides that.. it's BEE-YOO-TI-FUL. :D

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11:54 PM Monday, May 2, 2011

We are at that time of our lives where we are our own selves. And being our own selves, we can effectively come together to celebrate life, to support each other when we are stressed with life, to cheer each other on, to reflect about life, to reflect the situation of where we are now. But I hope gathering is not just to relieve the burden of life but an effort to grow through life. Also, I hope that when we gather it becomes stronger so that in the future when we have other commitments, we can still find time, not just time, but a reason to keep this link going strong.

___

It'd would be good if you really do understand that being friends is all that I want. And you seem to understand. Without having awkward feelings between us. Who cares what others imply eh? Sometimes I really would like to have an Abang figure in my life. Sometimes, my cousins come into my life and act like that. But this repressed unknowing feeling, claws itself out of my being without me knowing. And that is how I act. I act like 'I want an Abang in my life can you be it'. But i have never fed it because I've always been the actor, the leader, and the only person I depend on. Instead, I try to provide for others because of this birthright. So I don't know. But now I know.

So for now I only would like the Big Brother roles in my life. I am not ready for the others. Unless you are sincere and knock on my door and ask. Like literally knock on my door.

Thank you for being so kind.

___

and lastly.... though horoscopes are just a bunch of nonsense... but I cannot deny that Zodiacs are quite true! It's so freaky sometimes how it's so true :/

0 Anonymous Comments

10:33 PM

I take back my desire of minoring in cultural studies. It's so... intangible! You really have to craft something out of social and popular trends.... :/

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4:28 PM

1.5 hours more to the application deadline.

Do I even want to join this USP-Piper creative writing workshop?

no cos i don't have confidence.

yes cos i like writing, i want to develop myself further.

yes cos it's only $15.

yes cos it's a good opportunity.

no cos it will eat up holiday time.

no cos, i don't even know what i would do with it?
oh. I wanted to write about somethings.

I always dreamed about writing.

But time and time again, proof comes out saying I'm totally bad at it.

Haizzz.

Ayyo just go apply la woman.

Update: 5.28pm, Applied.

Update: 6.13pm, Applied for MEI conference. Now all that is on the list is to decide which Islamic classes I want to go for. hmmm

0 Anonymous Comments

10:57 PM Sunday, May 1, 2011

pop culture in southeast asia might pull me down. i don't want to take back my essay to find out I did shits for it :/

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