I got a lot of things to do this weekend besides rest and hope the viral flu goes away quickly. Anyway, this movie is cute. hahaha....

And by the way, stumbled on this coolio website. A new way to present the weather.

Nothing stays the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college, lose track of people, meet new ones and sometimes you ask yourself why. But all I can tell you is that every single experience you go through changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It’s your job to decide how…

Sometimes, I should stop pretending to be the good person. Why don't I just behave like a b***** once in a while. Must be very liberating isn't it. I didn't know why I had to stop and turn around. Didn't I break some universal rule. It was because I didn't want to feel bad. Am I being selfish? Should I just have just ran away? Why didn't I just keep on doing that? Because I was never playing games. They said running doesn't solve problems. It certainly doesn't. Did you think if you asked me to stop I would? Only I can make myself stop. In the state of emotion that I am in now, I might very well decide to stop. It's like when you're sobbing and your whole body shakes and it makes the friend who's holding you together shake too. She's asking you to relax but you can't. She's asking you to stop crying but you can't. You need time. Of course you do.

It seems that I haven't taught you enough of a lesson. Even thought it's just not my style. I admit, I'm very weak. Just so weak. I keep looking at myself for the fault. I should really be like Queen B sometimes shouldn't I? Is it some innate flaw in me that I am unable to come up with quick comebacks, snide remarks just to defend myself? To protect myself? When I do though the words taste bitter in my mouth. I immediately wish I didn't say it. Most of the time this happens in school. I guess there are times when it's a natural response to whip up something but it's certainly not who I am.

Sometimes I feel I'm really alone. Like the pain I feel keeps on eroding me inside. The pain digging deeper and deeper. It goes all the way from my heart through my arms to the center of my palms and I have to press my palms to stop it from hurting and I have to bend over. And I hug my bolster. Usually, it's cos I don't say anything to anyone which makes me feel this way. I guess that's how I cope don't I? I just go silent. I guess this is the only way the world knows if I'm not being myself. But I know what to do if I can't take it. I know. And this is one way I handle it. Sometimes, I don't even know what to say. The natural response only seeks help from people who know me but what about those who don't know me? Who don't understand me but are still important in my life. I shut my door. The heart is shut and the flow of understanding stops.

I don't think people can be so oblivious, to feelings. This, coming from me is an opinion. A biased opinion from someone who is quite sensitive to the feelings in my environment. Most of the time they're accurate anyway. So I guess, I can't imagine how anyone can be so oblivious to feelings, enough that they can ignore them. So given that if these people are not oblivious at all, isn't it true that they're acting in that way on purpose? That it is planned?

I need you to write it all down for me.

Thinking too much is no use. There's no use in thinking illogical things. There's no answer. It makes the brain more frustrated.

What if I'm feeling too much?

Sometimes I feel so stupid for not being strong enough in the past. Therefore, I need to keep being strong now and not waver. Should I just then put on a stone face? Wear a stone heart? I remember how Muu became really numb in secondary school. She was this unfeeling and uncaring person when it came to studies and home life but at least she opened up to me. Now I don't even feel like opening up to anyone. Maybe I should become numb now huh? Maybe it's my turn now. Go all "Get out of my uncaring ( _ ) face" kind of thing. Maybe... I should CHANGE who I AM. Then it wouldn't be so difficult.

Hence, I see a conflict between who I am and who I need to be. I guess, I need to protect myself from now on don't I? I think I realise that I care too much. I think I give out too much love to the world. It's kind of nice to know that everyday, it's been numbing that part of me out a bit.

Haiz.
I've never dared to be this opinionated on this subject before. Might as well go all the way and make some stamping demands.

I would really like it if I can stop pacifying people now.
I would really like for people to stop making pathetic excuses and be brave enough to own up and say sorry. To come up to me and say sorry. Instead of me having to say sorry first to make that person guilty so that they would say sorry. Just so they can learn a lesson.
I would really like to push something so hard it falls to the ground. Right now. I would like to punch and kick and cause excessive damage. They should have a punchbag in school. Or hang one under the void deck or something. I'm being irrational.
I would like to cry all I want. Till my face gets so ugly and puffy. Without having to wipe any tears. And still...

I'm done. I'm through. After SYF's over... I need to sit alone in the park, take a long walk and ask the trees who I really am and what I need to do (besides studying). God gives me strength and hope. It's only me who's been pushing off what I should have really done. Weakness, is so weak.

You might not want to take my words seriously. After all... I am really going through a bloodjet moment.

I can't help being such an ungirly person.

“ My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that. ”

~Alice in Wonderland

“ Only one is a wanderer, two together are always going somewhere. ”

“ Although wherever you are going is always in front of you, there is no such thing as straight ahead. ”

“ Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale. ”

~ anonymous

“ There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort. ” - Jane Austen

“ Some people care too much. I think it’s called love. ” - Winnie the Pooh

I really do think the world is a sad place for those who think. And it is even sadder for those who think and feel. And can not help from feeling.

I believe the education system lacks in telling us how to score up on our EQs because manners don't apply to the real world anymore. No wonder we are not a gracious society anymore. How can we expect others to be gracious and serve us well when we ourselves are not gracious? How do we expect the aunty at the bubble tea shop to understand us when we mock the way they speak? I don't remember schools ever giving us lessons on how to build up out EQs because some people don't even know what EQ is. And yet, these very people are scolded in lectures for having low EQs and talking during assembly? Hmm... whose fault is that really, I wonder. No one party in particular. Manners, lead to graciousness and the GEM movement wouldn't even have been needed.EQ lessons are needed, for those who are not born with it or just have not developed it over these few years.

Sensitivity to the people around you, how they feel and how you should act according to that has benefits. Unless you of course, totally have no idea how they feel and in that case, why not in the first place? Sure we try to help those who are in need, the patients in the hospice centre, the students in the tuition centre but how much about that shows that you are really a caring person, sensitive to others' needs? How much does doing all this tell about you when you can't even show your compassion to that tired friend, that sick friend, the friend that has a lot on his mind, the friend who clearly could do with a little bit of smile, a little bit of encouragement, the people who are around you, just to make them sure that you care for them?

I hope I never become a pretentious person who is unconstant in nature, showing compassion only for "altruistic" events. I would like to be constantly compassionate and sensitive to the people around me and to do the best in my ability in that moment to make the person's life a bit better.

Love this advertisement since the first time I watched it. So amazingly unexpected. And sad and funny, really funny. Thought it was distinctively Yasmin Ahmad's flavour and my father confirmed it. She did say she just filmed something for the Singapore government on her blog. Yup... it's by her. Haha. I don't think I'll ever get sick by the advertisement. And I think the actors are really really convincing. All of them. How come they don't act professionally? Hoho...

I love her sari. I love the Babas especially the Nonya in her Kebaya holding her husband's hand. I love the way I can feel the love of all the people there. The love towards their loved ones and the love towards the person who departed. I love the opening scene where the person introduces the wife as Mrs Lim and the sign says "To the family of David Lee." so viewers would naturally expect a Chinese wife. I think it was pleasantly surprising and really...true because this is what a multi-racial society experiences- multi-racial families. In Singapore and Malaysia. I love how Yasmin Ahmad integrates Singapore's major races in there. HAIZ.. gosh. Adoration. Adoration. CLEVER CLEVER!

And I think her son looks like Matthew. And they both are Cindians too... soo hmm...

Oh HO! A Behind-the-scenes! Tee HEE...




I want to cut my fringe. I want to cut my hair. Before SYF.

Had a weekend of emotional breakdown. Felt so hopeless about everything. And maybe, everyone. You know when your emotions drown you? But you don't realise it. I didn't realise it. I didn't even realise I was feeling so far...down. Maybe it was receiving my results back. Maybe, my mind wanted to do better but my heart wasn't into it. Time lag.

And during these period of time, like it always happens, I forget who to turn to, I forget who I have. But these people don't forget. Somehow, one way or another, they pop into my life to save me just when I'm about to lose it. They pop into my life like an msn conversation window. I do need encouragement and sometimes I forget how to ask because I don't even know that I need them. We all need encouragement. It doesn't matter if you mean it, you just got to deliver it with enough conviction to move me. But that only comes if you truly mean it. I'm sorry if I've been pushing you away. I never meant it. I didn't even realise it. Maybe I did but I didn't realise the implications. I never wanted it. I'm sorry if the words came out all wrongly.

I really had no faith in what I can do, what I must do yesterday. I was just letting go of my will to succeed, to excel. SYF's so draining that I looked at it as a chore, I still do but I'm learning to change that. With just two more weeks, it's a race all the way now. They're right. You're right. I can't afford to just waste all these MONTHS training and practising. Sacrificing my nights. Sacrificing time. Juggling everything, it takes a lot from me. But still, without the pressure of SYF, the spirit of excelling, I wouldn't have known that I had what it takes. I guess my aim now is to perform my best, no mistakes, to make the sound pleasant, to touch the judges' hearts. No, I want to make them shiver, listening to us. My aim is to make my section, consisting of many people, sound like only one person is playing. My aim is to make sure every person in my section is able to play properly, surely, confidently. By the end of camp, this will happen. We will be ready. We will be prepared. And we will reach the 150% that Mr Liaw wants us to reach so that even if we have a terrible case of the nerves, which we will, and we will drop, we will still hit 100%.

Everytime I play the song, I play the song with my ensemble. I don't really hear my sound. It doesn't matter if you're an expert player or if you're a weak player. If one sucks, we all suck. But if everyone plays a part in rawking the whole song, we all do. We all share the glory, the award. And when I hear the way we play, even if I'm so tired, it really makes me so proud of us, of the sound we produced. And at times when I'm really enthusiastic, the song sings it's message to us, no matter how many times we play it, it never gets boring.

Mr Chen, my geography teacher who is also the soccer teacher i/c, is right, performing arts, there's no competition with anyone else, any other school. Well that fits me perfectly because I don't like competition. I believe if one is good, then they are deserving of the award. Choosing performing arts, choosing to participate in SYF, was my choice. I wanted to experience SYF before I can't anymore. The challenge with performing arts is not to better other schools but to better our own selves. I never ever practised violin with this intensity. I never did anything with this rigour. Having guitar practices 4 times in a week makes me so tired. But I think it's worth it, all the way. Now, after overcoming all my self- wallowing, self-pity state. After this, I think I understand what excelling is, what doing something over and over again is. After this, I understand how results come. And I guess this is why MOE placed SYF in the first place. Mr Liaw, my guitar instructor, said that we have no choice. SYF is demanding. There are a lot of things he could teach us, so many things we could do had there been no SYF. But SYF is a fact of JC life for a Guitar Ensemble member who chose to be in SYF.

Sometimes I feel I'm resisting things too much. I want things too much to be in the way I want it to be. But that's not the way it works. When I resist, it hurts. When I resist, there's too much friction. Everything goes wrong. I hurt a lot of people. And so, I am truly sorry. I learnt that, I should just let things be, not to want things too much. I have faith now, and I truly believe that what's meant to be is what will happen. There's no use going against the grain. The most natural path will make it's due course in time. This will be the right path and this will be the best for us all. I just hope that I'll still stay intact. I won't fight anything if that's the best way.

Thank you for the encouragement and hugs today. Sometimes, I really need it. And then I'll ask. (: I'll bounce back. I'll persevere. I'll carry through this spirit of SYF... And I...

Yes I do.

Labels: inner voices

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK.
And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself.
Because you are important. No one has the right to break your heart or make you cry.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.


i will never betray myself, i'll never settle for less.

~Sadelena

i remembered asking him, if i pray 5 times a day and if i'm still enjoying life in an unholy kinda way, will my efforts be wasted?

not praying is already one sin of its own.

Prayer is the ever-flowing spring which renews the believers' energy and gives them new strength. They are then able to persevere for as long as it takes to achieve their goals.
And prayer makes them realise that at the end of the day, god is above-all, mightier than them or anyone else for that matter.

~Sadelena

O gosh, I miss Sadelena.
HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BABE!!!

I think I might survive this whole thing after all and that it's not just a delusion in my head that I'm not being fully myself, that only part of me is drifting from one place to another most parts of the day. I might survive all this. Maybe where I am, what I've been through has been a good thing because at least it ensures that I'm not having too much fun. It pinches me, makes sure that my goals are focused. I really think that secretly, everything falls into order and everything falls into place just as long as we're self-aware. It's like King Lear. HOHO. So I'm not worried.

Dear Fadilah sayang,
I am NOT TOO CAUGHT UP with my JC life okay! I love you girls all so much. Seriously, love is a decision I think. HOHOs. I keep wishing, so many times in my life that I had more time, more time. Who cares if Singapore is a tiny island? What's the point if I can't meet you so often? I think things would have been so very different if we met up often though. I think my priorities would have shifted. But still, in that space and time where I have often thought about the girlfriends who I long to spend time with, my love for you all has never wavered. Tee hees.

I met up with her just now and spent only about one hour with her and I couldn't meet the other netballers on time cos they went in to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic. I just couldn't bring myself to watch a movie on a Sunday due to time and financial constraints. Already blew the budget with Guitar matters (Nibori guitarists, Gown, Shoes, Concert). The good thing is that the gown is coming on Tuesday and I'm so EXCITED!!!! GAHH hahaha. Hope it turns out well and that it'll look flattering on us. HOHOS.







I can't wait for after SYFs really. Even when all the school days end and all the fun in school does too, Love, remains the same.

Labels: memories

Life changes.You get it all lined up just the way you like it and then something beyond your control comes along and bumps your off center. How nice it would be if you could get everything just the way you want it and say “okay, now … stay!”.But, if you’re feeling frightened about what comes next -don’t be.Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead your to places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path to happiness. Don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment as it comes..because you’ll never get another one -quite like it.

- Unknown-


“Love demands this: a balletic, impossible leap over the river of your worst fears. The only alternative is to stay on the riverbank by yourself…I leapt” – Alison Luterman


“So a relationship is a great gift, not because it makes us happy – it often doesn’t – but because any intimate relationship, if we view it as practice, is the clearest mirror we can find.”
– Charlotte Joko Beck


No matter where you are… no matter what you do.. even when you feel you’re in the littlest corner of the world.. remember that you’re still a part of this world.. because we are all under the same sky and looking at the same moon.

We are all a part of this.

Labels: soothe me

Knowing means that you perceive something only with the eye of the mind, that you can understand “how” something works. It’s basically rational.

Believing in the other hand is to perceive something with the heart, with your intuition and not being preocupied with demonstrating it’s true or not. Belief is then a leap of faith, the taking of a risk, the acceptance of the mystery.

Of course, many turn their beliefs into marble and this can cause a lot of misery.But I think that if one believes with humility and temperance, then belief is the road that leads to the core of life.

- Paulo Coelho -

blinks.of.life

Labels: inspiration

Zaki heard Xa asking his friends what was the most beautiful sound on Earth. ‘The sound of the flute,’ said one. ‘Birdsong,’ said another. ‘A woman’s voice,’ said a third. They continued the discussion late into the night, without reaching any conclusion. Days later, Zaki invited Xa and his friends to supper. In the room next door, the best orchestra in the world was playing lovely music, but there was no food on the table.

Around midnight, by which time his guests were all starving hungry, Zaki finally served up an exquisite banquet. ‘After hours without eating, isn’t the clatter of cutlery on plates a divine sound?’ remarked Xa. ‘I am simply answering your question about what is the most beautiful sound on Earth,’ replied Zaki. ‘It could be the voice of the woman we love, the singing of birds, the clatter of plates, the breathing beside us in bed of someone dear to us, but it will always be the sound that our heart needs to hear at that precise moment.’

blinks.of.life

Labels: inspiration, realisation, story

On Saturday morning, went to Hort Park, one of the destination wishlists, all the way at Queenstown. Hoho. I think it was because of that I didn't die during PE yesterday because we really walked a lot. But the pictures we took were really nice too. The place, I think could have more potential but it really is a nice place to explore. Makes you realise you don't really know Singapore that well after all.

Labels: discover, photos

So last Fri, Saturday and Sunday was my birthday weekend and I've reached my Eighteenth year of existence in this life. I'm walking the arduous journey to my Nineteenth year and it gets tougher every day. Even though I shouldn't think that way, it is true. There's so many things that I learnt and sometimes it makes life such a sad thing. It's like sometimes I think about what my soul would be doing if I was not on this life. But since I'm already put on earth, I should be making the best things for myself right? But sometimes, things get very difficult. Things don't happen the way you would appreciate life to make it. People are difficult. Some realisations are shocking . Nothing is really right and nothing is really wrong. The wrong turn out to be right and the right can turn out to be totally wrong. It's the same for good and bad. And once I learn this, I am changed. It's very difficult. But basics always ground you.

So, I really believe that choices in life, how we live life are not without consequence. I don't think that after realisation how the situation in life is sometimes so hopeless that we don't even know where to start and it being so difficult to stick to what you believe is right, after all that, we just die and remain dead. I don't think I was born just to learn how difficult life is. I think I was born to realise how difficult life is, and go through the obstacle course, no matter how slow or no matter how difficult and at the end, be awarded a winner, no matter what position I come in. I think I was born to suffer the pain if I fall and hit the ground, to feel the triumphs when I overcome each course, to feel dissapointment if I fail at one course and maybe to try again because I am given the opportunity to try again. I used to think so much about all these at night, in primary school because I couldn't sleep.

And what happens after this? Sometimes, I think about that eternal life. And then I start thinking about what would happen if I really live forever? Would I get bored? What would I fill my days with? How long are the days measured? Sometimes, I get scared thinking about eternity. I don't think much about this life cos I know how it would end.

Friday
Towkay Wayang
So anyway, on to the events. On Friday night, after GEM practice, I rushed to Towkay Wayang at Victoria Concert Hall. Met Siti, Shafienas, Munirah, Fazari, Farouk, Raidah. Aminah, Shafiq and the rest of the MCS ppl were already sitting in the front row. Musfirah was one of the main lead. I think the play was playing to a full house and I saw some big people in the industry, like Najib Ali. I think he really rocks. We were sitting at the back half of the Hall.




The play was quite touching. I think I may have cried at one part because they were talking about mothers and I always cry if the story has something to do with the loss of a mother. (Like Tarzan. HOHO). Sani Hussein was good I. I think the Little Ayu has a really really strong voice. It being a drama, there were a lot of crying and all. There were a lot of funny characters and Wida, Shafienas and me couldn't stop laughing. Musfirah played Ayu. I think she really played it well. I don't know how she manages it. MBTs and SYF and this! haha... whoaa. And her sis, Muslihah was one of the dancers also. Find it very sweet. So sisterly. Hohos.

After the show, we waited because we wanted to see Musfirah and some people wanted to give her flowers. And to hug her and congratulate her. Then all the press and picture time! HAHA.




After that, being the MJI that we are, we went to take photos at Clarke Quay. There were lighting all ready for us cos there was a wedding shoot and we were asked to be less enthusiastic about taking photos. at the bridge. HOHO. I think those photos are with Siti.



If I'm late for school, this two people are who I call to ask if they're late too. Then we'll take taxi. Hehe. Oh and Azrul too. But Azrul and Jannah didn't come cos they had band camp.

Saturday
Hort Park
(will elaborate later on)

Sunday
A Winter's Tale

All the J1 and J2 H2 Literature students got to go for this production (infer infer!) and some H1 students got to go too. So we Lit people are very lucky. I got to sit at the front row but at the right segment. So it was real close and guess what! I DOZED OFF for the first segment cos it was cold and very soothing. But I kept waking up because I didn't want to offent the actors. During the intermission, me, Siti and Fazari rushed to the convenience store because of my parched throat and Siti's rumbling stomach. Then Siti used my bag as a cover to eat inside the theatre. HOHOHOS. It lasted so long! THat play! But I thought it was really a good play and the interpretation of the script and all was very good. I really loved the set. There were a lot of links to Othello I think. For the last scene, when the statue comes alive(though that part was beyond my understanding, all I know is that there's a lot of magic and superstition in this play) Siti was grabbing my arm and shrieking in my ear but she left all her comments to Fazari sitting on her left side. Baik ah Siti eh? hehe. Btw, I think Siti looked like Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Hoho. Apparently, I'm not the only one with that opinion. HEh.

We wanted to take a 08A301 class picture but Martin, Samantha, Victoria and Annabelle left. Huhhuuu...


Me and Atiqah! Classmates in Sec 1 & 2 and we had a lot of history together.. haiz... can't believe the childish things sometimes. HOHO.

After that, I had a dinner with the INcrowders but I wasn't sure who. I only knew it was the INcrowders' Reunion so I followed Erma's instructions to go to SUNTEC City Mall's Pastamania. That place is so dizzy-fying but Liyana's directions was really clear and helpful. PHEW. When I reached there was only Erma and Liyana. I asked who else was coming and only Pam was. She called me earlier also to tell me she was on the way. So we decided to order first. After we had our food and everything, they took out presents for me. I was really touched. Honestly didn't expect anything. Liy told me she actually planned for a Vivo rooftop picnic but they had to work around The Winter's Tale play so this was the next best thing. Gosh. I really thought it was a reunion and expected more people to come but this was even better. I honestly missed LIYANA YEO A WHOLE LOT. I couldn't help shrieking and hugging her and talking to her. Haiz...I seriously need to talk more to her. There's not enough time. We need A DATE LIYANA YEO!!!!

After that, we went to The Fountain of Wealth to take pictures.




Then, the jokers decided to give me another birthday present. We squeezed the four of us into one tiny booth made for one person. HOHOS. Totally cramped la. We had to fully trust Singapore's reputation of being a safe and secure place and put our bags outside the booth.


The end product: A full Liyana face and the top halves of mine and Erm's and the quarter bottom half of Pam's. HOHO.




Monday
My 18th Birthday

Had a lot of birthday wishes and sms-es and all. I'm really grateful for those who stayed up till 12 am to wish me a happy eighteenth! Thank you for the call Dian! Thank you for the long sms Sadelena! You really put a lot of thought into those words King finally remembered how to play Happy Birthday on the guitar and the whole ensemble sang for me like we always (almost) do for everyone's birthday. Thank you for the cards and the loves and the cake! Thank you for the blog post. Really, I'm just amazed at people remembering because at this time of the year, I really can't remember much of people's birthdays (or has it got to do with the age?) Heh. Most of all, thank you for the time and devotion. Thank you for the friendships...

So the MJI celebrated my birthday with Kamal's birthday, on Thursday. I felt like breaking into a birthday song during morning assembly cos he was making announcements. But we sang in the spiral staircase so most people heard it anyway. We got the thick slice choclate cake that I was really actually eyeing the day before. They made it a surprise and I really didn't expect anything at all cos Shafienas made it like we were doing our routine thing and I didn't suspect anything when Nadirah, Jannah, Shafiq, Fazari and Siti went our separate ways cos we did separate throughout the day anyway and me being in "lost world" most of the time anyways...so. THANKS GUYS! Really appreciate it!




After that I really wanted to eat something other than SCHOOL FOOD. Jannah pointed me in the direction to Elias Mall's Lemon Chicken Rice. Me and Shafienas went but we couldn't find it. I really had to eat badly and so we headed to Downtown East's foodcourt BUT they haven't opened yet so we ate at Pastamania. I think the Chicken Sausage Pasta is really not bad! WOO! So full after that I didn't eat dinner. After GEM prac, straightaway fell asleep after bathing and eating vege soup. HOOHOS. Slept for nine hours that day. Gosh.

So yes. I am very satisfied and happy. THANK YOU!
(:

Now I gotta think about what to do for Thursday night and Good Friday holiday.

Labels: events, theatre