I think I will retreat. Yes I will. And my time will be spent wisely. And the excess will melt away. The worth of the surroundings is determined by how you feel when you're there. And likewise with people.
Reality Check
12:37 AM Friday, January 29, 2010
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My Words May not be Constant
10:56 PM Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Maybe I am lying to myself without even know it. I don't know. I don't know anything. I wish I could be pure like a newborn baby. But I can't. The only thing I can do is pray for forgiveness and hope that God forgives my sins. And then, forget the terrible things I've done. And start a new life, staying away from the bad.
You think I'm good?
And then, I can't be sure, I can't be that sure, but I have to be brave. Or at least appear brave. I have to learn on my own. This should be the only way. I will do what I know and have to do. The rest, I will leave to God. He knows the best.
Tomorrow, my first day as a relief teacher, and then rushing to my library work. Yes, a place where I'm forced to be alone and thus think too much.
Soothe me.
9:26 PM
Tell me that I really can't let go. Am I like this? Tell me I'm like this? This drama? Haha...haha...ha.
Don' be cruel.
Eating Clouds
12:38 PM Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I tried making my own pancakes from scratch for the first time ever. It was dense and patchy. hahhaha...! It looked like ROTI PRATA!!! Haha.. I searched around for tried and tested methods of making fluffy pancakes and will try this recipe:
"Gosh, I had the major pancake problems for a while until I found this perfect recipe, not sure where it came from: 1 1/2 c. ap flour, 3 1/2 t. baking powder, 1 t. salt, 1 T. white sugar, 1 1/4 c. milk, 1 egg, 3 T. unsalted butter melted. Combine all dry ingredient in bowl mix together. Make a well in the center and pour the wet ingredients in, mix until smooth. Heat a lightly oiled frying pan over med-high heat. Pour 1/4 c. of batter, brown on both sides. They’ve been great everytime I’ve made them."
I think I might reformat how I blog, the look, and the sound of it soon. It all boils down to when I have the mood and the inspiration. I don't think I would want to change the background. I absolutely love it and I still do. The picture maybe? and maybe changing from a tagboard to a comments box? Haha...
I need a change of scenery. Again. Haha.
Ah. Opening Flock as my browser makes me forget why I switched on my laptop in the first place. Iceskating update people! :)
It's not weird but hey!
12:16 PM
When I'm excited, I get a stomach ache. But it's a good kind of stomach ache. It starts from the belly. It bubbles up. And then, it forms a crooked half moon crescent-ly shape on my face in what others would define as, a smile.
A new life is beginning. And it starts with art.
A new life is beginning. And it starts with art.
And I find myself asking:
3:02 AM
I am so tired of expecting you to be understanding in a way that you have never been and I guess I was only expecting you to behave in a certain way. It's all my fault for assuming. I grow increasingly ashamed but it's not like I have lived up to my name either.
Tired tired tired of this life.
"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you’ll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there’s also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who’s been standing beside you all along. “
| — | Bride Wars |
"Your worst enemy could be your best friend, and your best friend your worst enemy.
| — | Bob Marley |
Heh. Really? Tell me about it.
"I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that’s not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. “
| — | Marilyn Monroe |
| — | Marilyn Monroe |
I wish my belief can be as strong as hers. I'm still such a weakling. Such a weakling.
"No matter what circumstances life throws in your direction, you have to believe that you can handle it. It’s really about our perception. There’s no such thing as a bad circumstance. All those things we perceive as bad are actually real growing experience in life. You have to see that everything that happens to you has come into your life for a reason, an we are challenged in life because that’s what life is all about. Life’s about how we deal with those challenges.“
| — | Madonna |
That's what I know too.
The Uncontrollables
12:14 AM
These few days I had a few dreams. Disturbing dreams.
1.
A secret society of the upper ranks wanted to steal my iPhone to steal it's software. In the dream, I told my dad and my whole family and asked them to call the police but they said it was just better to give it to them. The crooks came to my grandfather's old house disguised as IKEA movers and my aunt served them food. I thought of putting laxatives inside it but my aunt had none. I kept wanting to escape but it all failed: hiding in a big luggage bag but it somehow became unzipped. Attempting to escape through the window but my cousin talked me out of it. Somehow everyone was against me and I absolutely refused to hand over my iPhone. I kept repeating: "I BOUGHT IT WITH MY OWN MONEY! COSTS $548!!! NO WAY"
In the midst of it all, I remembered thinking "This is just a dream, I can make things go my way." but the pull of the dream was so strong I was sucked back into it's perennial reality. I woke up SO ABSOLUTELY frustrated that no one would help me, not even the police, that I was crying in my mother's arms when she woke me up for Subuh prayers. She asked me, "Why? What happened? What nightmare did you dream of?" I told her. She laughed. I laughed. Outside I could hear my father grumbling. The effect of the noise I made in the wee hours really rippled through the house. After prayers I went to him and told him. After a few laughs, he told me, "This means that you can't rely on anyone but yourself to solve your own problems." I reflected on that. Truly, we can't rely on anyone but ourselves and God to solve our own problems. Other people can only assist. And in the dream, I didn't ask for God's help. I didn't even think of asking God for help.
Do you know how easy it is for Man to forget? The littlest things, like where we put our keys, to major things like dates for someone's birthday, anniversary...so on. I guess it's not surprising that Man's flaw extends to the ability (or disability more like) to forget God. And thus, the mandatory prayer, 5 times a day. But outside of those prayer times, I still need to remember that we can just tell our problems and frustrations to Him just like that and he will Hear. God-willing He will.
2.
Someone died and left me a file of unsent letters. I couldn't even see the person's face because it was wrapped in cloth. I remember thinking that I failed, failed, failed and that the loss was for eternity.
Waking up, I thought: This is what I am scared of. Everything else doesn't matter. I just pray for the safety of all I love. In this world and the next.
3.
A big debate. Even though I was in the room, somehow I was just looking. It's not that my presence was not acknowledged but it was just as if someone was doing the talking for me and I was just looking out of helplessness. I only saw who this person was talking to but not that person him/herself. And that someone got angry. The tone was scary. I just wanted to cry right there and then.
"Do you wish to know?"
"Yes I wish to know? But I will never accept."
I woke up with a heavy heart.
These dreams really trouble me.
Labels: dreams
><
10:44 PM Monday, January 11, 2010
Do you believe in what people call ‘soulmates’? I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that. My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now. But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see. But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love. - K
Labels: cut and paste, healing
Advertisements=Reality?
6:28 PM
Hahaha.... this is so funny but made me think: When you see an advertisement, should you really take it literally?
In short: This lady went to do some banking with OCBC on her birthday and she really expected them to surprise her with a cake. Though there was no surprise, she argued her way to a cheap cake, but, it's still a cake!
Bah...so amusing.. hahha.
As many as possible
6:09 PM
My brother got his O-Level results today and it started the gears of fear in the depths of my heart. About my own results.
From now on (if you’ve not already done so), Miss Loi urges you to make it your top priority to find your ‘calling’. At 16-18, you are still young and time is on your side. Whether you’re already in JC or Poly or ITE or haven’t choose yet, take this time to experience as much as you can, do different part-time work to see different industries (if you’re not the slack kind), party as hard as you can to know more people (if you’re the social kind), read as widely as you can (if you’re the not-so-social kind), try out some business idea (if you’re the anyhow ‘whack’ kind - high chance you will fail but that’s the point!), backpack and travel as far as you can and learn to be independent and experience the world beyond our little Singapore (if you’re the garang kind), or just try out anything you feel like trying (don’t scared this scared that scared parents not happy etc. - but please don’t go take drugs or get anyone pregnant!!!!)
The idea is to experience as many hits and misses (i.e. find out what you really like and what you don’t) while you are still young and eventually you will discover your ‘calling’ by the time it matters. If it’s indeed your ‘calling’, you will definitely excel in it through your passion regardless of what you choose. It is always better to be tops amongst your cahort instead of being another faceless lemming amongst the masses.
So hopefully this long post will help you a little the next time you are faced with a ‘life-altering’ decision. Just FYI, some of Miss Loi’s richest friends have never completed their respective Uni/Poly/Sec/Pri education. Drugs and pregnancies aside, there is never a right or wrong decision. If you think you’ve just screwed-up big time, just remember Miss Loi always says that the next step you take is always more important than the previous step you left behind.
Taeyang makes me BURST OUT SMILING
12:10 AM Saturday, January 9, 2010
LIKE:
- Taeyang's swagger in time with the beat
- Taeyang grabbing Bom's hand when she didn't place it in his because she didn't see.
- Taeyang singing this in the first place, I just love duets. They sound great together.
- Taeyang placing his head on Bom's shoulder, though it makes him appear short
DISLIKE:
- Cameraman's angle at the end: Would like to see the ending pose from the centrestage
- Why they always put Bom in dresses of the same hemlength. She has great legs but she looks funny in this dress.
- The makeup makes her appear bruised and somehow, like she's a kindergartner.
- Taeyang grabbing Bom's hand when she didn't place it in his because she didn't see.
- Taeyang singing this in the first place, I just love duets. They sound great together.
- Taeyang placing his head on Bom's shoulder, though it makes him appear short
DISLIKE:
- Cameraman's angle at the end: Would like to see the ending pose from the centrestage
- Why they always put Bom in dresses of the same hemlength. She has great legs but she looks funny in this dress.
- The makeup makes her appear bruised and somehow, like she's a kindergartner.
SO CATCHY!!! And sounds v anime for some reason.
Labels: big bang, music, video
11:49 PM Friday, January 8, 2010
Literature. Writing. Photography. Filming. Music. Dancing. Teaching. Learning. Cooking. Heart-to-Heart Conversations.
I like mediums that make your soul connect with other souls.
I like mediums that make your soul connect with other souls.
11:48 PM
AH!
CREATIVE WRITING SESSION WITH JOSEPHINE CHIA IS FULLY REGISTERED! GAHS.
CREATIVE WRITING SESSION WITH JOSEPHINE CHIA IS FULLY REGISTERED! GAHS.
Earthly Roots
11:02 PM
I have always been uncomfortable writing feelings down in Malay. Because... the language to me, is more beautiful than English is and thus, more intimate. Therefore to me, the word ''Cinta'' is always more powerful than the word "Love" even though it technically means the same. Growing up, I've always felt so UGH when I hear the phrase "Aku Cintakan Kau" but the phrase "I Love You" never had the same vomit-inducing effect on me. And so, I always avoided malay novels because they seemed more "drama" to me. But I guess this is the time where I start returning to my roots eh?
Beautiful words will always be beautiful no matter what language it is. Simple words arranged beautifully to strike a meaning within the chords of our heartstrings.
Beautiful words will always be beautiful no matter what language it is. Simple words arranged beautifully to strike a meaning within the chords of our heartstrings.
9:28 PM
Hey you,
I'm so happy for you.
Really really really happy.
Just wish I could let you know that without ruining your day.
I'm so happy for you.
Really really really happy.
Just wish I could let you know that without ruining your day.
