The night was supposed to be about Tawbah & Muhasabah. I think they could have told us the objective of the game and welcomed us earlier. It was messy. I didn't know what to do when we came besides waiting around.

Ya W said all those things and realising made me cry. & I can't help wanting to change. But I can only change certain parts. Those bad habits. Those sleeping times. I can't help, also, wanting to be that little girl again where the mother will keep looking out for her. Now the only thing, it seems, that the mother looks out for is 1. if there is a potential husband for me through my school days and 2. if she's taking care of the housework and Ilhan well. She won't ask me about my day other than that unless I tell her. She likes me to tell her. I like to talk to her. But sometimes, if you see if there's really something bothering me, it'd be good to ask me what's on my mind. Just saying.

Coming home to this mess, feeling like the house can't really function without me, this sucky feeling still grows. I don't know if it's a test for the family that I want to move out next Academic year. It's my test for them to make them appreciate me. And for the younger one to help more. Not just be sucked into the technological vortex.

Ilhan is my ultimate test. He is something that I asked Allah fervently for and I got it. I'm thankful really really.

But there are those days where he pees on my bed. Or her loses the library book that I borrowed for him and I have to clean up after his mess. And I break down. I break down cos I can't stand it. I can't stand the responsibility of managing this four year bunch of energy when I can't even manage myself. And I can't manage myself and I have to manage him. I can't allow him to watch too many television shows because it's bad but at the same time I can't finish my work to entertain him by reading books. And yes the sole responsibility lies on my mother but after Sylvia Plath and by intuition, I can't not help out. It's ok if it's physically tiring but it's not just. It's emotionally and mentally draining too. It goes to show that I need to manage myself first before managing him but I feel so helpless. I can't do it. Someone tell me how to do it. Please. God please help me..