21. To find my place

I don't want to think too much about this. I don't want to give too much meaning to this. Being like that before was what made the whole thing become like this in the first place. At least I knew I tried to stop it. I knew I tried to fight it. So hard. So hard but it was so inevitable. Yes it was your fault too. A large part of it was your fault.

I can't help from hurting. You know? I still feel like I sacrificed too much of my time. That I'm still too nice.

I wanted that situation before but the want has subsided by the bitterness of how it dragged on. By how cruelly it was managed. The messy untangled chaotic end.

You can't have everything your way.

And I can't have everything mine.

What is God's intention this time?

Be gone! This question in the depths of the blackness of the inside soul.

I shall not dwell on this mystery.

I only want to serve God, to think about knowledge, to find out, to perfect my mind, to live out my purpose.

I shall carve myself, not to be a person who cares too much.

Not to 'discombobulate' my thoughts.