Sometimes, I should stop pretending to be the good person. Why don't I just behave like a b***** once in a while. Must be very liberating isn't it. I didn't know why I had to stop and turn around. Didn't I break some universal rule. It was because I didn't want to feel bad. Am I being selfish? Should I just have just ran away? Why didn't I just keep on doing that? Because I was never playing games. They said running doesn't solve problems. It certainly doesn't. Did you think if you asked me to stop I would? Only I can make myself stop. In the state of emotion that I am in now, I might very well decide to stop. It's like when you're sobbing and your whole body shakes and it makes the friend who's holding you together shake too. She's asking you to relax but you can't. She's asking you to stop crying but you can't. You need time. Of course you do.

It seems that I haven't taught you enough of a lesson. Even thought it's just not my style. I admit, I'm very weak. Just so weak. I keep looking at myself for the fault. I should really be like Queen B sometimes shouldn't I? Is it some innate flaw in me that I am unable to come up with quick comebacks, snide remarks just to defend myself? To protect myself? When I do though the words taste bitter in my mouth. I immediately wish I didn't say it. Most of the time this happens in school. I guess there are times when it's a natural response to whip up something but it's certainly not who I am.

Sometimes I feel I'm really alone. Like the pain I feel keeps on eroding me inside. The pain digging deeper and deeper. It goes all the way from my heart through my arms to the center of my palms and I have to press my palms to stop it from hurting and I have to bend over. And I hug my bolster. Usually, it's cos I don't say anything to anyone which makes me feel this way. I guess that's how I cope don't I? I just go silent. I guess this is the only way the world knows if I'm not being myself. But I know what to do if I can't take it. I know. And this is one way I handle it. Sometimes, I don't even know what to say. The natural response only seeks help from people who know me but what about those who don't know me? Who don't understand me but are still important in my life. I shut my door. The heart is shut and the flow of understanding stops.

I don't think people can be so oblivious, to feelings. This, coming from me is an opinion. A biased opinion from someone who is quite sensitive to the feelings in my environment. Most of the time they're accurate anyway. So I guess, I can't imagine how anyone can be so oblivious to feelings, enough that they can ignore them. So given that if these people are not oblivious at all, isn't it true that they're acting in that way on purpose? That it is planned?

I need you to write it all down for me.

Thinking too much is no use. There's no use in thinking illogical things. There's no answer. It makes the brain more frustrated.

What if I'm feeling too much?

Sometimes I feel so stupid for not being strong enough in the past. Therefore, I need to keep being strong now and not waver. Should I just then put on a stone face? Wear a stone heart? I remember how Muu became really numb in secondary school. She was this unfeeling and uncaring person when it came to studies and home life but at least she opened up to me. Now I don't even feel like opening up to anyone. Maybe I should become numb now huh? Maybe it's my turn now. Go all "Get out of my uncaring ( _ ) face" kind of thing. Maybe... I should CHANGE who I AM. Then it wouldn't be so difficult.

Hence, I see a conflict between who I am and who I need to be. I guess, I need to protect myself from now on don't I? I think I realise that I care too much. I think I give out too much love to the world. It's kind of nice to know that everyday, it's been numbing that part of me out a bit.

Haiz.
I've never dared to be this opinionated on this subject before. Might as well go all the way and make some stamping demands.

I would really like it if I can stop pacifying people now.
I would really like for people to stop making pathetic excuses and be brave enough to own up and say sorry. To come up to me and say sorry. Instead of me having to say sorry first to make that person guilty so that they would say sorry. Just so they can learn a lesson.
I would really like to push something so hard it falls to the ground. Right now. I would like to punch and kick and cause excessive damage. They should have a punchbag in school. Or hang one under the void deck or something. I'm being irrational.
I would like to cry all I want. Till my face gets so ugly and puffy. Without having to wipe any tears. And still...

I'm done. I'm through. After SYF's over... I need to sit alone in the park, take a long walk and ask the trees who I really am and what I need to do (besides studying). God gives me strength and hope. It's only me who's been pushing off what I should have really done. Weakness, is so weak.

You might not want to take my words seriously. After all... I am really going through a bloodjet moment.

I can't help being such an ungirly person.