And during these period of time, like it always happens, I forget who to turn to, I forget who I have. But these people don't forget. Somehow, one way or another, they pop into my life to save me just when I'm about to lose it. They pop into my life like an msn conversation window. I do need encouragement and sometimes I forget how to ask because I don't even know that I need them. We all need encouragement. It doesn't matter if you mean it, you just got to deliver it with enough conviction to move me. But that only comes if you truly mean it. I'm sorry if I've been pushing you away. I never meant it. I didn't even realise it. Maybe I did but I didn't realise the implications. I never wanted it. I'm sorry if the words came out all wrongly.
I really had no faith in what I can do, what I must do yesterday. I was just letting go of my will to succeed, to excel. SYF's so draining that I looked at it as a chore, I still do but I'm learning to change that. With just two more weeks, it's a race all the way now. They're right. You're right. I can't afford to just waste all these MONTHS training and practising. Sacrificing my nights. Sacrificing time. Juggling everything, it takes a lot from me. But still, without the pressure of SYF, the spirit of excelling, I wouldn't have known that I had what it takes. I guess my aim now is to perform my best, no mistakes, to make the sound pleasant, to touch the judges' hearts. No, I want to make them shiver, listening to us. My aim is to make my section, consisting of many people, sound like only one person is playing. My aim is to make sure every person in my section is able to play properly, surely, confidently. By the end of camp, this will happen. We will be ready. We will be prepared. And we will reach the 150% that Mr Liaw wants us to reach so that even if we have a terrible case of the nerves, which we will, and we will drop, we will still hit 100%.
Everytime I play the song, I play the song with my ensemble. I don't really hear my sound. It doesn't matter if you're an expert player or if you're a weak player. If one sucks, we all suck. But if everyone plays a part in rawking the whole song, we all do. We all share the glory, the award. And when I hear the way we play, even if I'm so tired, it really makes me so proud of us, of the sound we produced. And at times when I'm really enthusiastic, the song sings it's message to us, no matter how many times we play it, it never gets boring.
Mr Chen, my geography teacher who is also the soccer teacher i/c, is right, performing arts, there's no competition with anyone else, any other school. Well that fits me perfectly because I don't like competition. I believe if one is good, then they are deserving of the award. Choosing performing arts, choosing to participate in SYF, was my choice. I wanted to experience SYF before I can't anymore. The challenge with performing arts is not to better other schools but to better our own selves. I never ever practised violin with this intensity. I never did anything with this rigour. Having guitar practices 4 times in a week makes me so tired. But I think it's worth it, all the way. Now, after overcoming all my self- wallowing, self-pity state. After this, I think I understand what excelling is, what doing something over and over again is. After this, I understand how results come. And I guess this is why MOE placed SYF in the first place. Mr Liaw, my guitar instructor, said that we have no choice. SYF is demanding. There are a lot of things he could teach us, so many things we could do had there been no SYF. But SYF is a fact of JC life for a Guitar Ensemble member who chose to be in SYF.
Sometimes I feel I'm resisting things too much. I want things too much to be in the way I want it to be. But that's not the way it works. When I resist, it hurts. When I resist, there's too much friction. Everything goes wrong. I hurt a lot of people. And so, I am truly sorry. I learnt that, I should just let things be, not to want things too much. I have faith now, and I truly believe that what's meant to be is what will happen. There's no use going against the grain. The most natural path will make it's due course in time. This will be the right path and this will be the best for us all. I just hope that I'll still stay intact. I won't fight anything if that's the best way.
Thank you for the encouragement and hugs today. Sometimes, I really need it. And then I'll ask. (: I'll bounce back. I'll persevere. I'll carry through this spirit of SYF... And I...
Yes I do.
Labels: inner voices
